Realizing My Dreams - Chapter 2: Perception of Perfection

It's 8:30 and I have a few options. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet:

a.) I have a job
b.) I can perform the responsibilities of said job from virtually anywhere in the world.

So what's it going to be today? Well, I really don't feel like driving anywhere this morning...

"Team,
I'll be working from home today."

Email sent. Now I'll make myself some breakfast while I wait for some replies...

---

I was standing in line for security and still wondering exactly how all of my transportation plans were going to work out. Can I get a cab when I land? Do they provide a shuttle? To be honest, I had no idea where the resort was or where I was in relation to the resort. I felt fine, though. I was on my way to orientation and I was excited. It turned out that the arrangements were a lot simpler than I had imagined. I landed very close by and, after a 15 minute cab ride, I was checking in and walking to my room.

Those two days were absolutely brilliant. Mingling with people who had been with the company for years and were switching departments, meeting people who were transitioning into their new positions after years in the industry, and only two of us who were coming straight out of college (coincidentally, we were both Neumont graduates). Perhaps I should have picked up on the pattern that the majority of the people I met who were "moving up" had began their career with the company, left for higher paying jobs, and were now returning. I left with a number of things firmly ingrained in my mind. I think there's a term for this...ah, yes, "brainwashed". Yes, I had been brainwashed.

To be fair, it wasn't all deception. In fact, I strongly believe that the majority of information given to all those attending was accurate. The values, goals, and overall direction of the company had been communicated effectively. I was motivated to make these values and goals my own and begin moving in the same direction immediately. The philosophies are brilliant and I will argue this with anyone.

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"What's the problem then?" is what you're probably thinking to yourself right about now. In fact, I'm kind of hoping that you are. You see, it's this perception of perfection that has driven me to where I am right now. The very fact that it could be incorrect has to be supported by some shocking story of betrayal, corruption, or something equally has exciting. It's the climax of the story, if you will. I don't intend to deprive you of such a thing, but I kindly ask that you wait patiently as more explanation is in order first.

If you're thinking that this is merely an explanation of "why I left my previous employer" then I hope you will look deeper. This is realization of my dreams, the process of my maturity, a revelation in perspectives, and potentially more of a "coming of age" tale. You see, I originally anticipated this to be exactly what you might have thought it would be. Now I see it for what it truly is and no, I don't see an end in sight. I might break the rules and ruin the false sense of consistency you might have picked up on. However, I do hope that you'll continue reading.

---

It had been quite the adventure by then. I had missed my flight (which I didn't completely mind since I got a chance to hang with my favorite cousin for a couple of hours and crash on his floor) and I was up early that morning to catch the first available flight from D.C. to Raleigh. I drank probably an entire pot of coffee along the way and was still trying to find the strength to keep my eyes open. Nevertheless, I ran into my apartment, took a nice shower, threw on some more appropriate clothing and I was off to the office to meet up with my mentor. Turns out they weren't kidding about the relaxed dress code after all...

I had been warned about a number of things during orientation and was expecting the following:

1. I would be in meetings more often than not
2. Most meetings had nothing to do with me
3. Every meeting would use a million and one different acronyms and I wouldn't have a single clue as to what any of them meant

Well, it was my first day and I was in my first meeting. The first five minutes were about me - welcoming me on to the team. After the nice warm welcome, they launched into a large discussion about procedures, acronyms given to subsequent items within those procedures, and they used plenty of inner-team lingo. No, I'm not afraid to admit that I have absolutely no idea what went on during that meeting. I vaguely recall the participants but I can't even be 100% sure about that. I did make quite a lengthy list of the acronyms though and was determined to figure out what every one of them meant (for reference, I never did learn all of them).

I spent the day meeting new people, talking with my manager, getting my workstation setup and beginning to understand just what it was that I would actually be doing. I had a high-level of understanding of everything that was just explained to me. I would liken it to being "book-smart" without having any true experience to support said knowledge. "What happens when scenario x occurs and the client is asking for y?" I had the answer memorized in my mind but I was beginning to wonder when or how I would ever internalize any of it.

On top of learning the interesting processes (and the lovely programs used to manage them) I had to learn the actual component of which I would be working with. I began burying myself in technical specifications, product documentation, and <insert millions of technical terms here>. I quickly began to have a high-level understanding of what it was that I would be maintaining. Now, if you know anything about my technical background...the previously term was put in "bold" for a specific reason: you probably know that it's not something that I would ultimately choose as my career path. I knew this but the flexibility that I had heard so much about allowed me not to worry about this so much. Four days into this phase, I was bored.

"The average employee takes x weeks to..." I stopped him right there. You see, I've never been a fan of having these types of phrases recited to me when they ultimately just do not apply. I fully understand the purpose and need for such phrases. I argue that the people that recite them to others do not have this understanding. From a higher-level management perspective, these phrases are excellent. It helps keep statistics at a satisfactory level and allows processes to be formed to optimize the amount of resources that are spent on transitioning an employee into a new department. However, these phrases are not particularly useful for those employees that understand the material and have the motivation to move forward. In fact, they're just the opposite. They hold you back and completely disable your ability to excel.

---

I can still feel the frustrations, can you? Your passion is to push the envelope, drive change, take leadership responsibilities, and truly exceed expectations. How do you feel when you're incapable of doing so? These frustrations didn't surface right away. Oh no, there was no way that this could possibly happen, I was sure of that. I HAD to figure out how one goes about doing the things that I wanted to do. It has to happen all the time, right?

"Let's have you read the material one more time and stretch it across the next couple of weeks. After all, the average employee takes x weeks to..."

Realizing My Dreams - Chapter 1: Deceptive Illusions

This morning I realized I had come so far for reasons that even I had forgotten by then. I stared at the ceiling fan waiting for the next chance to hit snooze. I knew I was only prolonging it, but the day seems much more daunting when you've just found out that you're 2000 miles away from everything that you've grown to love. 7:30? I can still sleep for another hour...

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Finally, it was time for the real interviews. I had been prepping for this my entire life. This had been my passion, my life-force, and my one dream for as long as I can remember. I'd committed my life to this skill set and now it was time to see it all payoff.

They came and went but none of them truly caught my attention. Then I opened a new email to find that I would be interviewing with the Big Blue in a few short days. "This is it!", I thought to myself as I began thinking of all the additional things I could do to prepare for this. Three days later I was waiting in the lobby, resume and notebook in hand, awaiting my time to shine.

It was perfect. The tension was low from start to finish as we immediately found a mutual humor to alleviate it before it arose. In fact, the first five minutes we discussed snow-boarding and skiing in the lovely mountains of Utah. We ended on a positive note after I knocked the problem solving question out of the park. You can ask anyone that was around me that day, I was feeling on top of the world.

A couple of weeks later the calls had coming in and I had some decisions to make. Do I want to move to Boston? What about Atlanta? None of these sounded very exciting to me...and then Raleigh lit up my life (in more ways than one).

The description was perfect. The area wasn't exactly my preferred choice, but why not, right? Let's pack up and go! It may not have been the ideal position for me, but it sounded like I could move around pretty easily. I was assured by everyone I asked, people switch departments all the time. I could show up, rock the boat, get recognized, and be on my way up in no time. My belongings were in boxes and I was on a flight across the country before I even truly thought it through.

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It seems a little...melodramatic doesn't it? What could have been so bad that I'm lying here complaining to you? I assure you, this is not an exaggeration. These are the effects that Corporate America has on guys like me.

Oh, they'll throw millions of dollars into the paintings that you so easily adopt into your minds of innovation, creativity, and efficiency. The end-all solution, if you will, where great minds go to think. They do an excellent job, don't you think?

You're free to innovate and you're free to streamline efficiency....but before you do, can you check with Bill? He has to give the OK on all new ideas. Oh, I'm sorry, Bill's out of the office today. Can you check with Karen instead? Oh, this a cross-department initiative, let's get Jim in on this discussion. Oh, Jim's unavailable right now.

Can we reschedule this for next month?

:: take me dancing, tonight

You're a curious one tonight, aren't you?
 Maybe one, or shall we make it two?

A slow dance for starters,
 Another?
  Oh, please.
 We'll rip our way through the lights,
  the music,
   the heat...

Let's light up our adrenaline,
 our heartbeat, our blood.
  We'll run across the dance floor,
   and they'll only beg for more.

:: my own goodbye

If I could go anywhere right now, where would you be?

Perhaps this time it's not as simple as "I'll see you again soon."

Choose one of the many stops this journey may take you.
It's always been Phoenix for Peanuts, hasn't it?
It's that simple phrase that sparked our hearts with the fire that had lead us to where we are. Have we been endlessly traveling through autumn?

Perhaps we've missed the Cherry Blossoms this year.

We've moved away from second guesses and fallen for countless hidden chances.
How many times did you close your eyes and fall on to your covers?
Did you sleep with the lights on for once?

I hope you remembered you were never alone.

I've kissed a raindrop while everyone was watching.
I've embraced this midnight sky.

I still make snow angels, dear, and my imagination still paints me blue.

We deserve every moment of this eternity.
I've connected the dots so please read through the lines this time.

This was always the time we had together that we'll never have again.
Hidden beneath unspeakable secrets and sealed with the promise of forever.
Bury your past underneath a blanket of whispered closure.
Lie down on a pillow of unmistakable memories.

And finally,
Close your eyes and bite your tongue.

The best is yet to come.

:: my own personal preview

Perhaps it was the cinematic blue that hazed my vision.

A gentle afternoon breeze,
A running river flowing through the canyons?
All pieces of this puzzle we've been struggling to solve for years.

I've dreamt of this moment for longer than I've known you.
This is just the first morning that I've remembered it.

A touch of fatigue and a creeping sense of apathy has transformed my covers into burdens too heavy to lift on the my own.
Yet I lift them every morning knowing that this is the end of everything that you've known me to be.

We've tested my courage and I can dance with all eyes on me.

I've been telling you for months that it's coming.
I've been warning you for years that I'm changing.

There's no coming back from this one.

It's the final step at last.

:: beginning our goodbyes

I'll pull the curtains over your eyes one last time, my dear.
We promise it will be the end.
But in the end, we're never fixed.

Count it twice, count it three times.
We both know what it's going to be.
You'll shut your eyes at ten
and never open them again.

We raises our voices loud enough to hear.
As you reach for the light as it appears.
And I'll whisper softly in your ear:

"Remember me from yesterday and don't forget me in the end.
For although our paths may never cross, we'll be sure to see each other again"

:: it's too short to be a dance

I'll paint you with brilliant colors,
Or perhaps I'll even write you a song.

Perhaps it will be as soft as my whisper,
Or maybe as harsh as my heart.

Rest assured it will be unmistakable.
I am not one to go unnoticed.

:: indecent embrace

Perhaps you can wave my late sentiment,
 And I'll overlook the stains on your dress.
We'll call our sins even, equal to the "t".
 You'll even carry a new indifference.

Why don't we dance a slow dance, tonight?
 Or perhaps that isn't enough for you.
Nevermind the innocent, embrace the indecent,
 And I'll carry your head down to your pillow.

Rip away these walls between us,
 We're not going anywhere but here.
Let's father a twisted sheet memorial,
 Please, kindly leave your morality at the door.

:: my regret

It's a feeling of isolation.
Perhaps a lonely sense of confusion.
Given any particular moment,
I would take your place.

Maybe it's the vow implied from birth,
Or maybe it's the feeling I've had since you left.
Let's call it a sense of guilt, or even regret,
That has brought me to this place to miss you.

Come home to us all.
My brother,
My friend.

:: fractal visions

I'll fill your morning with words that could last a lifetime.
Have you noticed how bright these days have been as of late?
A cup of coffee and a smile on your face,
You're the splitting image of a dream I once had.

We'll make it a walk in the park.
Can we make it snow this time?
Better yet, we'll watch the four seasons.
And every morning it's the same smile.

How do I begin to explain it?
I can only feel it.
I can only breathe it.
I can only hope I'm ready for this.

:: inflight radio frequencies singing the goodbye

It's a brand new day today,
It's the climax of the song.

I closed my eyes tight this morning.
I was waiting for that feeling of freedom and certainty.

My stuff was all in boxes,
My car was full with all the memories I chose to keep,

It's an easy way to make a statement,
But it's not an easy statement to make.

I opened my eyes. I took my keys.

I'm moving away from all of this.
I'm going to find the new me that's awaiting his discovery.

It's the part of the song where it goes quiet now. It's time to say goodbye, dear.

Don't act so surprised.
I told you long ago:

The worst part about us is that there is no happy ending

:: my own predictability

I'm beginning to wonder why I ever questioned myself. I've let go of so much and I'm struggling to find anything worth holding on to from this scrapbook. Every beginning is replaced with the ending everyone knew would happen. Sometimes you just can't feel it until it's real.

There's a confidence that you'll never truly grasp. Don't worry, dear, it's not arrogance anymore. Let's call it a sense of power and authority confined to boundaries that life continues to define.

I can't hold on to this anymore, dear.
I can't fight the growth.
I left [you] miles ago.

Don't you see it?
There's no need to try and understand.

It's my new direction.
It's the point.

[you're] still there.

1. Let's travel the atlantic. Bring your camera and we'll make a new world of memories.
2. Let's drive with no destination in mind. Put a flower in your ear and we'll take a picture.

We know the me that's with [you].
I've found myself without [you].

:: o mediator of hope and catastrophe

It could consitute as a bad day, being that the windows weren't clear enough for me to see through to you. It's almost as if the structured verse of my thoughts has taken away my direct path to you. Would you venture to say that it's more of a detriment to me?

A damage or loss of breath could cause me a year without you. A shortness in the life of a thought could cause me 5 to 10. Averages never cut it for me. Let's take it from the top and call it quits if the game ends in their favor. You'd obviously never risk the scratch, so must we spin in circles when I only want to get to the point?

A familiar circumstance or perhaps a witty gesture could reel you in for a chance at something great. How often are you drawn to those you've never met? Hands down, you can never quite keep up with me. I've poured enough love through my glances to last a lifetime. Do you think they ever felt it? Who are we kidding? The odds are always in their favor.

Hold your breath on this one because I'm guaranteeing you an ending of Airports and Coldplay. Clean the fog, would you dear? It's hard to begin when I can't see you.

:: patient arrival

I'm in love with the shy girl,
And she's too modest to notice me.

She makes angels in the snow.
:: and my life tends to shine through her eyes

I'm in love with the quiet girl,
And her silence brings us closer.

She looks beautiful in the rain.
:: and i pray for rain every single day

I'm in love with the listener,
And my words reach only her ears.

I'm relatively certain I saw my breath tonight.
Wait patiently, dear.
I'm coming soon.

:: quite simply

I haven't spoken to you in ages, dear. How is that you still love me?
Quite simply put? It's a force of habit.

I've thought about you everyday since our last exchange. Tell me, have I crossed your mind even once since last November?
Why yes, my love...if awaking to a small pain in my chest will suffice.

Shooting stars and endless skies followed us everywhere. Tell me, have the stars shined for you once since our last embrace?
Embraces were embers in envelopes...better said, a fire that could put itself out.

Cold air and lyrics were our trademark. Tell me, how badly have I hurt you?
Quite simply put?

You were my skyline.