Realizing My Dreams - Chapter 2: Perception of Perfection

It's 8:30 and I have a few options. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet:

a.) I have a job
b.) I can perform the responsibilities of said job from virtually anywhere in the world.

So what's it going to be today? Well, I really don't feel like driving anywhere this morning...

"Team,
I'll be working from home today."

Email sent. Now I'll make myself some breakfast while I wait for some replies...

---

I was standing in line for security and still wondering exactly how all of my transportation plans were going to work out. Can I get a cab when I land? Do they provide a shuttle? To be honest, I had no idea where the resort was or where I was in relation to the resort. I felt fine, though. I was on my way to orientation and I was excited. It turned out that the arrangements were a lot simpler than I had imagined. I landed very close by and, after a 15 minute cab ride, I was checking in and walking to my room.

Those two days were absolutely brilliant. Mingling with people who had been with the company for years and were switching departments, meeting people who were transitioning into their new positions after years in the industry, and only two of us who were coming straight out of college (coincidentally, we were both Neumont graduates). Perhaps I should have picked up on the pattern that the majority of the people I met who were "moving up" had began their career with the company, left for higher paying jobs, and were now returning. I left with a number of things firmly ingrained in my mind. I think there's a term for this...ah, yes, "brainwashed". Yes, I had been brainwashed.

To be fair, it wasn't all deception. In fact, I strongly believe that the majority of information given to all those attending was accurate. The values, goals, and overall direction of the company had been communicated effectively. I was motivated to make these values and goals my own and begin moving in the same direction immediately. The philosophies are brilliant and I will argue this with anyone.

---

"What's the problem then?" is what you're probably thinking to yourself right about now. In fact, I'm kind of hoping that you are. You see, it's this perception of perfection that has driven me to where I am right now. The very fact that it could be incorrect has to be supported by some shocking story of betrayal, corruption, or something equally has exciting. It's the climax of the story, if you will. I don't intend to deprive you of such a thing, but I kindly ask that you wait patiently as more explanation is in order first.

If you're thinking that this is merely an explanation of "why I left my previous employer" then I hope you will look deeper. This is realization of my dreams, the process of my maturity, a revelation in perspectives, and potentially more of a "coming of age" tale. You see, I originally anticipated this to be exactly what you might have thought it would be. Now I see it for what it truly is and no, I don't see an end in sight. I might break the rules and ruin the false sense of consistency you might have picked up on. However, I do hope that you'll continue reading.

---

It had been quite the adventure by then. I had missed my flight (which I didn't completely mind since I got a chance to hang with my favorite cousin for a couple of hours and crash on his floor) and I was up early that morning to catch the first available flight from D.C. to Raleigh. I drank probably an entire pot of coffee along the way and was still trying to find the strength to keep my eyes open. Nevertheless, I ran into my apartment, took a nice shower, threw on some more appropriate clothing and I was off to the office to meet up with my mentor. Turns out they weren't kidding about the relaxed dress code after all...

I had been warned about a number of things during orientation and was expecting the following:

1. I would be in meetings more often than not
2. Most meetings had nothing to do with me
3. Every meeting would use a million and one different acronyms and I wouldn't have a single clue as to what any of them meant

Well, it was my first day and I was in my first meeting. The first five minutes were about me - welcoming me on to the team. After the nice warm welcome, they launched into a large discussion about procedures, acronyms given to subsequent items within those procedures, and they used plenty of inner-team lingo. No, I'm not afraid to admit that I have absolutely no idea what went on during that meeting. I vaguely recall the participants but I can't even be 100% sure about that. I did make quite a lengthy list of the acronyms though and was determined to figure out what every one of them meant (for reference, I never did learn all of them).

I spent the day meeting new people, talking with my manager, getting my workstation setup and beginning to understand just what it was that I would actually be doing. I had a high-level of understanding of everything that was just explained to me. I would liken it to being "book-smart" without having any true experience to support said knowledge. "What happens when scenario x occurs and the client is asking for y?" I had the answer memorized in my mind but I was beginning to wonder when or how I would ever internalize any of it.

On top of learning the interesting processes (and the lovely programs used to manage them) I had to learn the actual component of which I would be working with. I began burying myself in technical specifications, product documentation, and <insert millions of technical terms here>. I quickly began to have a high-level understanding of what it was that I would be maintaining. Now, if you know anything about my technical background...the previously term was put in "bold" for a specific reason: you probably know that it's not something that I would ultimately choose as my career path. I knew this but the flexibility that I had heard so much about allowed me not to worry about this so much. Four days into this phase, I was bored.

"The average employee takes x weeks to..." I stopped him right there. You see, I've never been a fan of having these types of phrases recited to me when they ultimately just do not apply. I fully understand the purpose and need for such phrases. I argue that the people that recite them to others do not have this understanding. From a higher-level management perspective, these phrases are excellent. It helps keep statistics at a satisfactory level and allows processes to be formed to optimize the amount of resources that are spent on transitioning an employee into a new department. However, these phrases are not particularly useful for those employees that understand the material and have the motivation to move forward. In fact, they're just the opposite. They hold you back and completely disable your ability to excel.

---

I can still feel the frustrations, can you? Your passion is to push the envelope, drive change, take leadership responsibilities, and truly exceed expectations. How do you feel when you're incapable of doing so? These frustrations didn't surface right away. Oh no, there was no way that this could possibly happen, I was sure of that. I HAD to figure out how one goes about doing the things that I wanted to do. It has to happen all the time, right?

"Let's have you read the material one more time and stretch it across the next couple of weeks. After all, the average employee takes x weeks to..."

Realizing My Dreams - Chapter 1: Deceptive Illusions

This morning I realized I had come so far for reasons that even I had forgotten by then. I stared at the ceiling fan waiting for the next chance to hit snooze. I knew I was only prolonging it, but the day seems much more daunting when you've just found out that you're 2000 miles away from everything that you've grown to love. 7:30? I can still sleep for another hour...

---

Finally, it was time for the real interviews. I had been prepping for this my entire life. This had been my passion, my life-force, and my one dream for as long as I can remember. I'd committed my life to this skill set and now it was time to see it all payoff.

They came and went but none of them truly caught my attention. Then I opened a new email to find that I would be interviewing with the Big Blue in a few short days. "This is it!", I thought to myself as I began thinking of all the additional things I could do to prepare for this. Three days later I was waiting in the lobby, resume and notebook in hand, awaiting my time to shine.

It was perfect. The tension was low from start to finish as we immediately found a mutual humor to alleviate it before it arose. In fact, the first five minutes we discussed snow-boarding and skiing in the lovely mountains of Utah. We ended on a positive note after I knocked the problem solving question out of the park. You can ask anyone that was around me that day, I was feeling on top of the world.

A couple of weeks later the calls had coming in and I had some decisions to make. Do I want to move to Boston? What about Atlanta? None of these sounded very exciting to me...and then Raleigh lit up my life (in more ways than one).

The description was perfect. The area wasn't exactly my preferred choice, but why not, right? Let's pack up and go! It may not have been the ideal position for me, but it sounded like I could move around pretty easily. I was assured by everyone I asked, people switch departments all the time. I could show up, rock the boat, get recognized, and be on my way up in no time. My belongings were in boxes and I was on a flight across the country before I even truly thought it through.

---

It seems a little...melodramatic doesn't it? What could have been so bad that I'm lying here complaining to you? I assure you, this is not an exaggeration. These are the effects that Corporate America has on guys like me.

Oh, they'll throw millions of dollars into the paintings that you so easily adopt into your minds of innovation, creativity, and efficiency. The end-all solution, if you will, where great minds go to think. They do an excellent job, don't you think?

You're free to innovate and you're free to streamline efficiency....but before you do, can you check with Bill? He has to give the OK on all new ideas. Oh, I'm sorry, Bill's out of the office today. Can you check with Karen instead? Oh, this a cross-department initiative, let's get Jim in on this discussion. Oh, Jim's unavailable right now.

Can we reschedule this for next month?

:: hitchhiking across viewpoints

For the past couple of years I've made some interesting shifts in my religious views. Most notably, I made a drastic shift from the bible-pushing/right-wing/conservative arena and began flirting with a more progressive/liberal agenda. It's interesting to see what has come of two years of this game of cat and mouse.

I believe it began when this new fad of the pseudo-intellectual bashing of religion began sweeping the hearts of my generation. It went from the ever-so-popular "YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN??", gradually moved to "you believe in God??", and then began making its way to a more harsh "You're a $#!@%ing christian??". Essentially, we've integrated the hatred of conflicting political views with years of conflicting religious views.

What's interesting to me is that I specifically fled from the "right-wing"-religious standpoint for ONE specific reason: while I ultimately believe in sharing my faith, I strongly disagree with shoving it down one's throat and pressing the issue when it's clearly not welcomed. Let's face it though: at some point you draw the line, right? Boiling it down: I believe that what I believe is right. I do my best to keep an open mind to other religions (those of you that know me can attest to this) however, at some point I have to make that attempt to have you share my views. If you don't agree with me, part of me will be disappointed but that won't hurt our friendship. I'm also not going to tell you that "you're going to hell" and begin cursing you...

What's even MORE interesting to me is that the opposite field has came across the same problem (admittedly I am using some serious stereotypes here). We are no longer are able to hold logical and diplomatic conversations. Rather than shoving Christianity down someone's throat, I see the opposite. No efforts are taken to understand either viewpoint, instead it's black and white, no gray area in sight.

People often wonder why my particular religious views seem different than most "Christians". Here's a few things I have chosen to believe that I find of importance:

1. You do not have to throw away your intelligence at the door (a.k.a.: You can be an Intellectual Christian)
   
2. While other religions may hold conflicting viewpoints, we can learn from everything (e.g. taoist viewpoints in exercising is not the work of the devil...)
3. Listening to "Secular" music does not condemn you to hell (Can you believe people think this?)
4. Religious multimedia currently SUCKS
   
1. This one might need clarification...have you ever listened to Christian music or watched a religious video? Did you die inside while you did? That's my point...
5. You can use witty remarks without going to hell
6. You can BE PROGRESSIVE

I swear, the ignorance and lack of decorum of "the church" frustrates me enough to make it difficult for me to attend. I think it's the naivety that gets me. It's the Christian-camp, home-schooled, never spoken to a real person kids that kill me the most. Seriously, if you expect to actually talk to someone...what the HELL are you going to talk about? How many grasshoppers you caught the last time you were at Camp Maplewood and the latest hymnal that you sang along to? If you can't put enough effort into waking yourself up and existing in the real world vs. your perfect religious bubble then you're never going to get anywhere. I'm sorry, even as a Christian, I would find it difficult to converse with you.

So many "taboos" have been put in place by people before us and they're adhered to without question. Perhaps because one of them happens to be "don't ask questions"? Seriously, do you really wonder why you're called BLIND? I wonder what most of you would think of a "men's fellowship" night where a bunch of guys got together and hung out watching a football game and drinking a couple of beers. I beg of you to tell me ONE thing that's biblically wrong with this notion. How about a "youth group" outing where they attended a non-Christian event? Oh how your boats would be rocked by these ideas...

Show me ONE church that lets me not only think these thoughts but VOICE them and you'll have my weekly attendance (if not more). Until then, I'm sick of searching for churches. You invite me in, don't even acknowledge me, and expect me to conform to your narrow-minded ways of thinking. It's not happening.

I stand for a progressive movement within the Christian world and I'll gladly do it alone for now.

:: all the way

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if sacrifice something when I begin with a title. Do I try to conform my writing to suit whatever it was I wanted to say? What about the hidden things locked away in my mind? Do they stay there until next time?

I find that I have a strong desire to simply be noticed. Yet, at the same time, it's a desire that stays under very heavy control. I'm not so sure how this is possible but I make it happen on a daily basis. Every morning I wake up in hopes of meeting someone new. I am, however, seemingly incapable of making eye contact with a woman that I don't know. Sometimes I can, but more often than not, I find something else to do. Incidentally, this is the reason why I am writing this post at such a rapid pace.

I almost guarantee I'll pretend to fall asleep after this and she'll give up on trying to get my attention.

I pause in my writing...today is full of adventures and I think I might start them right now.

:: supporting the genre

I sat out to write a brilliant entry tonight. It may not feel like it to you, but I feel like I've redefined the term. I mean, let's be honest...deep down I wanted to write on par with Max Bemis. That was my first mistake. I can't compete with his lyrical genius. However, in my discovery of my inability to do, I began to wonder what it was that I sought out to accomplish.

Is it the audience? Well, I love the idea of people reading my thoughts. How big is my audience? I'd say I have roughly 4 unique visitors a month. It's certainly not the numbers but I think it's partly the dedication of those who truly care about what I have to say.

I write for the joy of writing. I write because I often have great things to say...and I don't know it until I write it down. In the process, I learn how to invoke those thoughts into everyday conversations. Sometimes it's poetry, sometimes its witty remarks, other times its just mindless babbling that has to be put somewhere.

Today was a great day. This weekend is going to be phenomenal. Utah, here I come!

:: understanding me

It's not even a question of repetition or routine anymore. I happen to think that it goes deeper than I can imagine...perhaps it's at a level that's beyond my understanding tonight.

I like to break the cycle, only to replace it with yet another. Perhaps we can think of it as a "chain" of sorts. There's no real logic beyond it, nor is there really a purpose...not that I'm aware of at least. I'm sure you're wondering where this is coming from or, more importantly, where I plan on going with it.

I stared at this page for almost an hour before I felt the desire to fill it. I'll sit here for hours to be noticed, while I'm convinced I'm here to notice others. Maybe I'm waiting for a random conversation or perhaps I enjoy my drink being made when I simply walk through the door. I haven't quite put my finger on it just yet but...

I believe it's a combination of everything I've considered and everything I'm unable to comprehend.

As I've said countless times before, I spend large amounts of time trying to understand myself. I don't think that it's selfish but I'm open to your argument. Maybe I'm crazy or perhaps I'm constantly perplexed. Either way, I think that perhaps my artistic mind is not an essential part of my being. I tend to do things without emotion or thought and they're often some of the more well-planned and reflective things I've ever done in my life. Oddly enough, these things aren't discovered until I take the time to put my thoughts into words.

I think I may have shared too much tonight.


p.s.: I decorated my room today: http://picasaweb.google.com/rnCodePoet/RoomDecorations

:: step three

Institute change.

Tomorrow I may take a different way home. Perhaps I'll stop off at a cafe and and mingle with the locals. I may even drive for miles until I realize that I no longer no where I am. Incidentally, that is very hard to do around here.

Today I struggled through a million different thoughts and I wallowed in my defeat against lack of sleep. It's amazing how one's character is illuminated in times of difficulty. More importantly, it's incredible how differently people perceive this so-called "character" and how stable these false notions of "self" have become. Hell, given the right mood I might even believe it.

There are a million ways to approach this and a limitless supply of whit that is bottled away in my mind. You've seen it, you've felt it, but you've never known what I truly meant. Do I really need to illustrate my point or are these past few sentences proof enough? You'll understand it and even relate to it so perhaps there's no need to argue. I'm not here to explain myself.

I want to get lost in cities and broken translations. I imagine you might guess what movie I watched tonight.

:: reignition

I'm discouraged.

After two months of fighting the system, I've been met with a slap across my face every single step of the way and it's not enough to simply watch me fall. Instead, I am kicked while I am down and met with more and more opposition every time I take my stand. However...

I'm not one to bend or break.
 Regardless of the hit, I will always stand.
  I will no longer take the fall.

You'll meet another side of me tomorrow.
 I swear you've never seen this resilience.
  I'll break these walls you've built around me.

Today I'm just getting started.
 :: tomorrow I'm going nuclear.

:: clearing the fog

It's interesting how just a single event can spark enough motivation and thought to remove the writer's block that has been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Perhaps "writer's block" isn't the best description for what I have been feeling. I think it could be more accurately described as laziness and a genuine lack of motivation. But when the mood's right and the music strikes that feeling...I just can't help but want to share my thoughts with the world.

I feel lost. Those simple words contain more meaning and fear than any that I have spoke in the last few years of my life. It seems as though there are too many things keeping me from moving forward at the rate that I want. Professionally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I don't write about these things, I don't internalize them. Instead, they float around and plague me with despair and I typically have no idea what is wrong with me.

I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the overwhelming sensation that I don't belong here as much as I once thought I did.

Everything is a distraction.
I've had so many that I don't even remember what it is I was first trying to do.

"I'll reinvent it all." I convince myself while sipping my second attention-driven latte of the day. Do you have any idea what any of this means? It's a solution to everything and it's more complex than you might think.

It isn't temporary anymore.

:: when you cross me with corporate america

It results in an oddly formed, restricted, ambitious employee who flirts with mediocrity and over-achievements on a daily basis.

It becomes a struggle to maintain consistency. I am awarded for my efforts and restricted by an attempt to maintain a general system of conformity. Every step is then only a small piece of a well-calculated plan. You can't blame it. You can't fight it. You can only learn and abide by the rules - even if it is only to change them.

Work cannot be given quickly enough to keep me busy. I actively search for new assignments and began finding ways to evolve processes. However, each request for approval or information is met with yet another delay. For all you fellow Neumont-mates, I'm beginning to think that we're too prepared. I'm used to a constant stream of work. Who would have thought that it gets easier?


This is where my life is today. I suppose I'm not one that can remain idle for very long. I need evolution and I need change. Perhaps I'll be rewarded for this soon.

:: my rerun

I've reached a point where I have too many things to say. I feel overwhelmed when a blank page enters my sight. I cannot look passed it and I cannot see through it. I'm blocked and I'm empty - perhaps it's simply a shift of vision. Whatever the case may be, I must fix it soon.

Keep your voice down, now.
Here comes the piece you never expected.
Never mind the present, the pressure, or the fear.
It's new, it's different, it's everything I've wanted it to be.

This is something new, this is something different, and I've never felt more alone than I do today. Sitting alone at lunch surrounded by hundreds of people will do that to you. For the first time since I moved here, I couldn't stay in the apartment by myself. But, you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've been humbled, I've been inspired, and I've been challenged. Everything is new today and will continue to be for weeks to come. It's finally time to do this.

Hold your breath and bite your tongue, dear.
I don't miss you for a second.

:: my own goodbye

If I could go anywhere right now, where would you be?

Perhaps this time it's not as simple as "I'll see you again soon."

Choose one of the many stops this journey may take you.
It's always been Phoenix for Peanuts, hasn't it?
It's that simple phrase that sparked our hearts with the fire that had lead us to where we are. Have we been endlessly traveling through autumn?

Perhaps we've missed the Cherry Blossoms this year.

We've moved away from second guesses and fallen for countless hidden chances.
How many times did you close your eyes and fall on to your covers?
Did you sleep with the lights on for once?

I hope you remembered you were never alone.

I've kissed a raindrop while everyone was watching.
I've embraced this midnight sky.

I still make snow angels, dear, and my imagination still paints me blue.

We deserve every moment of this eternity.
I've connected the dots so please read through the lines this time.

This was always the time we had together that we'll never have again.
Hidden beneath unspeakable secrets and sealed with the promise of forever.
Bury your past underneath a blanket of whispered closure.
Lie down on a pillow of unmistakable memories.

And finally,
Close your eyes and bite your tongue.

The best is yet to come.

:: my own personal preview

Perhaps it was the cinematic blue that hazed my vision.

A gentle afternoon breeze,
A running river flowing through the canyons?
All pieces of this puzzle we've been struggling to solve for years.

I've dreamt of this moment for longer than I've known you.
This is just the first morning that I've remembered it.

A touch of fatigue and a creeping sense of apathy has transformed my covers into burdens too heavy to lift on the my own.
Yet I lift them every morning knowing that this is the end of everything that you've known me to be.

We've tested my courage and I can dance with all eyes on me.

I've been telling you for months that it's coming.
I've been warning you for years that I'm changing.

There's no coming back from this one.

It's the final step at last.

:: my regret

It's a feeling of isolation.
Perhaps a lonely sense of confusion.
Given any particular moment,
I would take your place.

Maybe it's the vow implied from birth,
Or maybe it's the feeling I've had since you left.
Let's call it a sense of guilt, or even regret,
That has brought me to this place to miss you.

Come home to us all.
My brother,
My friend.

:: fractal visions

I'll fill your morning with words that could last a lifetime.
Have you noticed how bright these days have been as of late?
A cup of coffee and a smile on your face,
You're the splitting image of a dream I once had.

We'll make it a walk in the park.
Can we make it snow this time?
Better yet, we'll watch the four seasons.
And every morning it's the same smile.

How do I begin to explain it?
I can only feel it.
I can only breathe it.
I can only hope I'm ready for this.

:: inflight radio frequencies singing the goodbye

It's a brand new day today,
It's the climax of the song.

I closed my eyes tight this morning.
I was waiting for that feeling of freedom and certainty.

My stuff was all in boxes,
My car was full with all the memories I chose to keep,

It's an easy way to make a statement,
But it's not an easy statement to make.

I opened my eyes. I took my keys.

I'm moving away from all of this.
I'm going to find the new me that's awaiting his discovery.

It's the part of the song where it goes quiet now. It's time to say goodbye, dear.

Don't act so surprised.
I told you long ago:

The worst part about us is that there is no happy ending

:: my own predictability

I'm beginning to wonder why I ever questioned myself. I've let go of so much and I'm struggling to find anything worth holding on to from this scrapbook. Every beginning is replaced with the ending everyone knew would happen. Sometimes you just can't feel it until it's real.

There's a confidence that you'll never truly grasp. Don't worry, dear, it's not arrogance anymore. Let's call it a sense of power and authority confined to boundaries that life continues to define.

I can't hold on to this anymore, dear.
I can't fight the growth.
I left [you] miles ago.

Don't you see it?
There's no need to try and understand.

It's my new direction.
It's the point.

[you're] still there.

1. Let's travel the atlantic. Bring your camera and we'll make a new world of memories.
2. Let's drive with no destination in mind. Put a flower in your ear and we'll take a picture.

We know the me that's with [you].
I've found myself without [you].