:: understanding me

It's not even a question of repetition or routine anymore. I happen to think that it goes deeper than I can imagine...perhaps it's at a level that's beyond my understanding tonight.

I like to break the cycle, only to replace it with yet another. Perhaps we can think of it as a "chain" of sorts. There's no real logic beyond it, nor is there really a purpose...not that I'm aware of at least. I'm sure you're wondering where this is coming from or, more importantly, where I plan on going with it.

I stared at this page for almost an hour before I felt the desire to fill it. I'll sit here for hours to be noticed, while I'm convinced I'm here to notice others. Maybe I'm waiting for a random conversation or perhaps I enjoy my drink being made when I simply walk through the door. I haven't quite put my finger on it just yet but...

I believe it's a combination of everything I've considered and everything I'm unable to comprehend.

As I've said countless times before, I spend large amounts of time trying to understand myself. I don't think that it's selfish but I'm open to your argument. Maybe I'm crazy or perhaps I'm constantly perplexed. Either way, I think that perhaps my artistic mind is not an essential part of my being. I tend to do things without emotion or thought and they're often some of the more well-planned and reflective things I've ever done in my life. Oddly enough, these things aren't discovered until I take the time to put my thoughts into words.

I think I may have shared too much tonight.


p.s.: I decorated my room today: http://picasaweb.google.com/rnCodePoet/RoomDecorations

:: take me dancing, tonight

You're a curious one tonight, aren't you?
 Maybe one, or shall we make it two?

A slow dance for starters,
 Another?
  Oh, please.
 We'll rip our way through the lights,
  the music,
   the heat...

Let's light up our adrenaline,
 our heartbeat, our blood.
  We'll run across the dance floor,
   and they'll only beg for more.

:: coming home

It's been a pretty fantastic weekend. The ride here was...well, I'm going to go with "interesting". Nevertheless, I absolutely love trains so I enjoyed myself the entire time.

I spent the weekend experiencing a taste of DC life and realizing that it's a lot closer to where I feel I belong than any other city I've been to (save for tokyo, of course). From art, to the beautiful streets to rooftop parties (the breath-takingly gorgeous women that are in Georgetown are also a factor here), this place is just amazing.

I don't know that this is the kind of place that I could live in for an extended period of time, but let's face it: I'm still very young and I have plenty of time to enjoy my life. I like my cousin's two year plan. In two years, we'll have a reason for me to move out there. I'll pick up a nice job, make some big money for a few years and then see where life takes me.

Finally, I don't have a complete plan but I have a little more direction and tolerance for feeling lost after this weekend. I remembered how much I love traveling and in turn, remembered a little bit more about who I am.

I'm doing just fine. Just as I thought, this weekend was exactly what I needed.

DC here I come!

So it's been quite an adventure so far...a bridge is out so they had us on a bus for the first hour. That wasn't too bad - just slightly annoying since I couldn't really get much work done.

Now I'm sitting in the business class section with an angry old woman behind me. She seems nice and then starts cursing randomly...it's kinda funny actually. We're waiting for another bus to show up before we can take off and I figured I'd write an update while we wait.

The business section is pretty nice, I'm not gonna lie. Pillows, plenty of room, ac outlets for my laptop (thank god) and plenty of complimentary beverages.

The older woman is arguing again...

Well, I guess I'll see how much work I can get done. Work hard for a few hours and then it's a weekend of fun ^_^

:: spontaneity and me

I wish I had a clever book to read. It feels like I haven't read one in such a long time. I think I might go on an intense search for one very soon. I'll be in a place to look for one tomorrow, I'm sure.

Tomorrow, I'll be in DC.

Yes, I have decided to take a spontaneous trip to DC. If you know me very well, you'll know that spontaneity and I flirt relentlessly but I just never seem to have the courage to make a move. Before I could second guess myself, I bought a train ticket and I'll be on my way tomorrow afternoon for a weekend of culture and LIFE.

My insomnia appears to be settling down for now. I took Leon's advice and began listening to Eluvium. I couldn't get enough from just the one song so I downloaded the album and fell asleep while listening to it last night. I can remember only a few times when I've been as relaxed as I was last night.

Nothing has changed at work. I'm hoping that won't stay the same for long but I've found ways to make due while I wait.

It rained today. I hope all of you have been able to enjoy rain lately, it really is quite beautiful.

[ music: Eluvium - Perfect Neglect In a Field of Status ]
Thanks, Leon ;)

:: good morning, sunshine

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.

This was the ultimate display of the severity of my insomnia. Admittedly it was cool at first - stay up late to get work done, watch ridiculous amounts of Scrubs and The Office...then it got to a point where I'm becoming bored and actually want sleep.

Last night I couldn't sleep.

The weirdest part is that I honestly can't distinguish between day dreams and time between around 6pm yesterday and this morning. On a more positive note, I was in the gym nice and early and running in the wonderful and relatively cool weather we've received lately. I'm enjoying a nice cup of coffee and settling in for the day at the office - and it's only 7:30.

I do feel a bit tired now so I think there's a chance of me getting to sleep early tonight and fixing this sleep schedule of mine. I plan on doing some of the exercises my dad has suggested (Taoist Eight Treasures). Hopefully I'll have good news about that.

:: oh ho! it's a new day

Did you feel the excitement in that title? No? Well...read it again.

As you might have noticed, I'm in a good mood today. Let me back track a little bit and cover what's happened over the past 24 hours or so. Yesterday I was so angry that I could have . I was basically given the ultimate block: I cannot switch departments without the approval of my direct manager. In this particular case, that wasn't looking very hopeful since he responded with "more than likely not for at least one to two years". How awesome is THAT?

Well, in retrospect and in his defense, I haven't been in this department for very long. Wait a minute, that's right...I haven't been here for very long. So even though I've been noticed for my efficiency, I'm not necessarily relied upon. However, in one to two years I'll be a power-member of the team (as stated by my team lead) so it would hurt the department even more the longer I wait. That's logical, isn't it?

I'm feeling good because the wheels are turning in the other department by now and I will be in touch with them soon. I'm also feeling good because my team lead and mentor is supporting be 100% and has assured me that I am doing the right thing.

I'm very good at what I do, I know where I can utilize my full potential and guess what? I'm only using a fraction of it here (although I'm still getting noticed for it...). Neumont taught me how to shine very brightly and I have every intention of doing so. I will not let anyone get in the way of my doing so either. So if it's a fight they're looking for, then I'm more than happy to bring it.

You'll have to kill me to take away my desire to better myself...and I don't see that happening.

:: step three

Institute change.

Tomorrow I may take a different way home. Perhaps I'll stop off at a cafe and and mingle with the locals. I may even drive for miles until I realize that I no longer no where I am. Incidentally, that is very hard to do around here.

Today I struggled through a million different thoughts and I wallowed in my defeat against lack of sleep. It's amazing how one's character is illuminated in times of difficulty. More importantly, it's incredible how differently people perceive this so-called "character" and how stable these false notions of "self" have become. Hell, given the right mood I might even believe it.

There are a million ways to approach this and a limitless supply of whit that is bottled away in my mind. You've seen it, you've felt it, but you've never known what I truly meant. Do I really need to illustrate my point or are these past few sentences proof enough? You'll understand it and even relate to it so perhaps there's no need to argue. I'm not here to explain myself.

I want to get lost in cities and broken translations. I imagine you might guess what movie I watched tonight.

:: step two

Moving towards another department seems to be the answer to all of my problems. Thankfully I've made quite a few contacts over the past few months that will help me make this transition. The wheels have already begun turning so I'm hoping that perhaps this will be something that happens fairly quickly.

This is truly a big step for me. I went from feeling completely lost just yesterday afternoon to having hope and a plan tonight. I'll keep you updated on the progress of this but it's still a little too up in the air for me to be posting details.

:: step one

I'm committing to an entry a day starting...now. I know I've tried this in the past but, in my defense, I was going for a creative piece of writing per day...and let's face it, that's pretty hard to do without a decent amount of inspiration.

This will more than likely be a combination of a few things. I'll be posting normal entries about my life and random things on a daily basis. My main goal is to force myself to start doing creative writing every day since it's something that I've been slacking off on lately. I really should be taking advantage of this free time that I have and start writing all the things I've wanted to write.

So, to the 4 people that actually read this...add me to your daily reading list!

:: reignition

I'm discouraged.

After two months of fighting the system, I've been met with a slap across my face every single step of the way and it's not enough to simply watch me fall. Instead, I am kicked while I am down and met with more and more opposition every time I take my stand. However...

I'm not one to bend or break.
 Regardless of the hit, I will always stand.
  I will no longer take the fall.

You'll meet another side of me tomorrow.
 I swear you've never seen this resilience.
  I'll break these walls you've built around me.

Today I'm just getting started.
 :: tomorrow I'm going nuclear.

:: clearing the fog

It's interesting how just a single event can spark enough motivation and thought to remove the writer's block that has been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Perhaps "writer's block" isn't the best description for what I have been feeling. I think it could be more accurately described as laziness and a genuine lack of motivation. But when the mood's right and the music strikes that feeling...I just can't help but want to share my thoughts with the world.

I feel lost. Those simple words contain more meaning and fear than any that I have spoke in the last few years of my life. It seems as though there are too many things keeping me from moving forward at the rate that I want. Professionally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I don't write about these things, I don't internalize them. Instead, they float around and plague me with despair and I typically have no idea what is wrong with me.

I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the overwhelming sensation that I don't belong here as much as I once thought I did.

Everything is a distraction.
I've had so many that I don't even remember what it is I was first trying to do.

"I'll reinvent it all." I convince myself while sipping my second attention-driven latte of the day. Do you have any idea what any of this means? It's a solution to everything and it's more complex than you might think.

It isn't temporary anymore.